The Times! They Are Changing!
by Ahray
Summary: Set in the 1960's Adam West TV BatUniverse: The Frank Gorshin Riddler and the Joan Collins Siren have rejoined forces!
1. Establishing Shot Of Warehouse

I do not own Batman or any other characters in this story – although I _am_ interested in buying if the price ever gets low enough. Most characters were created by Bill Finger.

"The Abandoned Crossword Puzzle Building On The Outskirts Of Town! Once A Proud Purveyor Of Problematic Puzzlement, It Now Sits Dark And Forgotten – A Setting Ripe For Villainy! For Inside The Building, We Find The Riddler And His Scurrilous River Rat Gang, Receiving A Visit From A Familiar Figure!" 

Garbed in her white toga mini-skirt, the Siren sat studying a crossword puzzle magazine. "A six-letter word for a female advisor," she read aloud. 

"'Egeria'," replied the Riddler as he scoured over some paperwork. "You and I are going to be rich beyond our wildest dreams." 

"You're certain your experience with the Penguin's personalized relic will enable you to handle a top-of-the-line model? Singlehandedly?" She glanced back at the magazine. "Nine-letter word for a painkiller."

"'Analgesic'. Singlehandedly - no doubt whatsoever. I can pilot any type of submersible sea-craft." 

"Six-letter word meaning 'to ascribe'. And the missiles? " 

"'Impute'. Missiles? You should have seen me. I was shooting off Polaris missiles like they were 3-cent bottle rockets!" he said, jabbing his fingers at the ceiling in imitation of missiles launching. 

Dropping the crossword puzzle, the Siren clasped her hands. "It's so fortuitous that we've reteamed! Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of owning my own fleet of submarines. Now, they're almost within my grasp! And to think - _nuclear_ submarines! That's the best kind, isn't it?" 

"Why, I wouldn't dream of owning any other kind!" 

One of the River Rats stood up drunkenly and swaggered over to the Siren. "You look real nice when you get all excited, baby," said Whitey. "And I got a special welcome that'll get ya even more excited." 

"My, my, aren't you the brazen one," said the Siren, appraising the henchman. 

"Dat's right. I am when I sees a woman I likes." 

"Come back here, you bold male, you," she said, standing and beckoning. "I have a secret I want to tell you." 

She led the leering thug from the room. Seconds later, the Riddler heard the Siren's piercing scream reverberate through walls that were thankfully thick enough to spare him from any ill affects. The Siren and Whitey emerged shortly, the henchman shuffling as if he were in a trance. 

"Now, why don't you do us a favor and go jump in the lake?" she said. 

"Which lake, oh magnificent Siren?" 

"Let's see, where's the dirtiest water source in Gotham?" 

"Prob'ly off the west shore of Phony Island." 

"That should do nicely. Just dogpaddle about for an hour or so." 

"Yes, ma'am," said Whitey. He marched robot-like from the room. 

"I hope you're done giving my minions swimming lessons, because we'll be needing all of them," said the Riddler. "Now, riddle me this: Where do you find roads without vehicles, forests without trees, and cities without houses? 

"On a map?" asked the Siren 

"Correct!" he said, whipping out a map of a military installation. "Why don't we look at this one? Observe...the first two guards you'll encounter will be here at the front gate. Once you get past them, you shouldn't see anyone for the next two hundred meters, allowing you to make your way here – and then here. Now, if my calculations are correct, there will be 37 sailors in all that you'll have to disable to give me clear access to the subs. Can your voice hit two octaves above high C 37 times with the same potency?" 

"Not by itself, no. My voice is no longer quite capable of such operatic feats. But with my vocal enhancer implant, it'll be no trouble at all. Just make sure the sailors are all men." 

"Men are all you'll find at the Gotham Naval Yards!" the Riddler whooped. "You're the perfect person to infiltrate this base; no man can resist your spell, least of all ones who've just returned from six months at sea!" 

"And you're the perfect person to mastermind this plot, what with your extensive submarine experience. I'm afraid your assistants, on the other hand, do not inspire a great deal of confidence." 

The Riddler held up a hand reassuringly. "Not to worry. They won't know where the submarines are being taken. The subs will just sit unmanned on the bottom of the ocean while we field offers from the highest bidders! The only two people in the world who'll know their whereabouts will be you...and me!" He began to giggle. "And if anyone else wants them, they'll have to pay, pay, pay!" The Riddler burst into a uncontrolled giggling fit, toppling over the desk lamp. He stopped abruptly and began writing furiously. 

"What are you doing?" asked the Siren. 

"Just taking care of a little business." He read out loud as he wrote. "'Riddle me this: What's loud and sticky and found with Chubby R. Buckle?'" 

****

"And So It Is Several Days Later That We Find Police Commisioner Gordon's Morning Upset By Troubling News" 

"Yes?" said Gordon as he picked up the insistently ringing phone. "What?! Gotham Naval Base? On red alert for the past three days? The Coast Guard has scrambled all available vessels?" 

"Yes, sir," replied the switchboard operator. "All four of the submarines that were in port are missing and presumed stolen." 

"All four of the submarines that were in port are missing and presumed stolen?" 

The operator turned to her co-worker and whispered, "He's doing it again." 

**********

At Stately Wayne Manor, Dick Grayson stood in the living room strumming a folk guitar. Bruce and Aunt Harriet sat on the couch in front of him, politely tapping their feet. They were being graced with a performance of Dick's unique interpretation of the Bob Dylan classic, "Like A Rolling Stone". 

"Once upon a time!  
You dressed so fine!  
Threw the bums a dime!  
In your prime!  
Didn't yooou?" 

He paused his shouting in mid-verse as Alfred strode between him and his audience. Leaning over to Bruce, the butler whispered, "The phone, sir." 

"I'm sorry, Dick," said Bruce. "We'll have to listen to this song you learned at college another time. I need your help in the study." 

Dick handed his folk guitar to Aunt Harriet, who appeared distrustful of the instrument. Dick trotted into the study just in time to hear Bruce say "Right away, Commisioner!" 

As soon as the phone was back in it's cradle, the inevitable order was given. "To the Batpoles!" 


	2. The Batmobile Comes Tearing Out Of The C...

The Dynamic Duo were met at Police Headquarters by Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara. 

"Is this some kind of dark new era our world is entering? Our worst nightmares being realized?" wondered Gordon. "Those hijacked vessels represent the entire submarine fleet for the eastern seaboard! Not only is one half of the country defenseless, but 473 nuclear missiles are now in the hands of unknown villains!" 

"Unknown?" said Batman. "We did receive that mystifying riddle less than a week ago." 

"You mean this is work of the Riddler? " 

"The 'Emir of Enigma'," confirmed Batman. "...back to baffle and bewilder." 

"But you solved his clue." 

"I fear we must re-examine our findings on his latest conundrum."

Robin gritted his teeth and nodded. "'What's loud and sticky and found with Chubby R. Buckle?'" 

"Your answer of bubble gum sounded correct," said the Commissioner. 

"Wait!" said Robin. "What's loud and sticky could also mean audio tape!" 

"Good thinking, Robin! And the reference to Chubby R. Buckle...hmmm." Batman said, rubbing his chin. "Chubby R. Buckle was a silent film comedian...a bit on the heavy side...he played bumbling, incompetent characters... " 

"Wasn't he in those Keystone Cop movies?" said Robin. 

Chief O'Hara shut his eyes to think. "Mmm. Keystone Cops...bumbling...incompetent. It's a tough one, all right," he said, shaking his head. 

Batman's hand dropped from his chin as he looked at the police chief. "Just to entertain a wild notion, Chief, you don't happen to keep an audio tape player here at headquarters, do you?" 

"Oh yes, Batman!" the Commissioner answered. "It's in that cabinet on the wall." He walked over and opened the cabinet to reveal an old reel-to-reel tape player inside. "Why, there's a tape in the machine now!" 

He punched the "on" button. The sound of the Riddler's manic laughter instantly blared from the tape player. 

"Begora!" said O'Hara. "But how on earth did ye know it was here, Botman?" 

"A lucky, lucky hunch, Chief." 

"Holy Disinterment!" said Robin. "Now I feel bad about suggesting we dig up Chubby R. Buckle!" 

"No time to cry over spilt milk now, chum! Listen..." said Batman. 

The Riddler's laughter finally came to a stop and was replaced by his taunting voice. "Oh, you found the tape, eh, Batman? Well, riddle me this: Why will a traveler never starve in the desert?" 

"Uhh..." offered Chief O'Hara. 

"Because of the sand which is there! The sandwich!" exclaimed Robin. 

"Are you still listening, Batman?" the Riddler's voice continued. "Because I want to know why the Batboat isn't mine!" The insane laughter resumed. 

"That one sounds a bit trickier," said Gordon. 

"If only we'd thought to look here earlier!" exclaimed Batman, slapping his fist in his palm. "Think of the words in his statement, Commissioner! 'Oh', 'eh', 'why', 'are'..." 

"Words that sound like letters! So...the Batboat isn't 'his' boat because it's 'you' boat!" 

"U Boat! Referrin' t'submarines!" said O'Hara. 

"And submarine is also a type of sandwich!" said Batman, tying in the earlier clue. 

"How about one more, Batman?" the pre-recorded voice asked. "Which alarm do you think I'm going to pull this time?" 

"Alarms," said Robin. "Let's see...there's fire alarms, alarm clocks, burglar alarms..." 

"But which alarm?" said Gordon. 

"Didn't he mean 'witch alarm', Commissioner? Or a word that means both 'witch' _and_ 'alarm'? In other words, a siren!" 

Everyone turned in the direction of the new voice. Leaving a string of gawking patrolmen in her wake, Batgirl came striding up to the Commissioner's desk. "Perhaps 'how about one more' means the Siren is teaming up with him." 

"Batgirl! What brings you here?" asked Batman. 

"Oh, just something a little bird told me. You'll hear it too if you turn on the radio right about now." 

Gordon switched on the radio. A self-assured, slightly smug voice greeted them. 

"This is Barry Brown, your radio announcer, bringing you disturbing news of the day! The Hexagon and members of 'military intelligence' are keeping mum over their decision to lock down Gotham Naval Base. The base went to its highest state of alert on Wednesday night. Although the police and other 'respected' government officials assure us that nothing is wrong, this reporter can't help wondering what could make an alert last three full days. A test of military readiness? If they're taking this long, they must be flunking! What's the matter, fellas? Forget where you parked the tanks? This reporter will get to the bottom of this and bring you the scoop!" 

Gordon turned the radio off angrily. "Of all the nerve! The correct decision was made! What else could the navy do? Announce that four submarines with nuclear missiles are lost and in the hands of a madman? Think of the panic that would ensue!" 

"Yes, but if we can't recover them quickly, the public will have to be told for their own safety," Batgirl pointed out. 

"A grim turn of events, indeed," Batman said, pacing the room. "Traditionally, nation/states have targeted their missiles either by aiming for 'mutually assured destruction' or at enemies' strategic installations. Now, however, the Riddler will deploy his 473 warheads in a prankish, nonsensical manner, with his only goals being to confound and offend." 

Batman suddenly began to experience a nightmarish vision – a vision of a nuclear blast enveloping Gotham City. 

Above the tremendous explosion, he pictured a dark mushroom cloud rising up higher and higher in the sky. The cloud separated, slowly forming into letters - to spell out the words, 'When is a jet stream like a daffodil?' 

The image faded away before his eyes, leaving him with a horrified expression.


	3. Closeup On A Slab Of Cheese

At the Crossword Puzzle Factory, the River Rat gang sat whittling at a large block of cheese with knives. A phone call interrupted their rabid consumption of the nutritious dairy product. 

Whitey was the nearest to the phone and grabbed the receiver. Before he could finish 'hello', the Siren's voice spoke urgently at the other end. 

"Whitey?"

"Siren? Where are you?"

"I'm where the Riddler was supposed to be yesterday – at the rendezvous point."

"Well, where's that?"

"You don't need to know, my curious rodent. Where's the Riddler?"

"I thought he was with you by now."

"Of course. Something of a fishy smell to this situation, wouldn't you say?"

"Uhh, how do you mean?"

I don't appreciate being kept waiting, particularly not for this long and _particularly_ not when I'm supposed to take possession of nuclear submarines."

"But none of us here know…"

"Enough. We'll discuss it no further. But if you don't have some answers for me when I return, you're going to take another swim…and this time you'll be doing the breast stroke until you hit the North Pole."

"Chee, I don't think I can swim that far."

"Really. Then I guess you'd better locate your employer. Otherwise, I'll be happy to let you discover the exact limits of your endurance. And the Riddler just may be accompanying you on the journey."

"Idon'tknowwhereheisbutI'llfindoutrightnowMissSirenGoodbye."

Whitey hung up as fast as possible. The other River Rats watched as the panicked thug stood there, hyperventilating. Whitey gaped in horror as the phone suddenly began to ring again.

"I'm not answerin' it!" he insisted. "She's gonna scream in my ear and take control of my brain!"

"Well, someone's gotta…oh, give it to me." Fangs grumbled. "Hello? Who...Boss! We've been lookin' all over for you. The Siren just called - she's waiting for you over at the prearranged meetin' spot." 

"I _told_ her to switch to Plan B if I was delayed," he heard the Riddler reply. "I've been standing here, dripping wet, waiting for her to pick me up! Next time you see her, ask her if there's enough brains in that bubbly head to remember Plan B." 

"Ahhh...I think maybe you oughta ask her that yourself, boss. She's pretty mad at you." 

"I suppose she _is_ the wrong woman to rile up. Maybe I'd better hold off on explaining our current roadblock." 

"I told you you couldn't hook four subs together with just trailer hitches." 

"That wasn't the problem - it was the navigation!" complained the Riddler. "The sonar array failed completely – I had no idea where I was going! And I didn't dare bring all four to the surface with the Coast Guard on my tail. Since I knew I was close enough to swim for shore, I had to ditch the submarines; otherwise, I would have risked running blindly into the coastline. 

Where's the subs now?" 

"You don't need to trouble yourself remembering that. Just worry about your part of the job. Did you spread the word to your lowlife associates as per my instructions?" 

"Yeah, practically every one of 'em was real interested in nuclear submarines. I don't think many of 'em have owned one before.

Good, good. Now, if we act quickly, everything will be back on schedule by the time the Siren gets back. I want you to leave her a note saying that we'll be over at..." 

Fangs listened attentively, nodding. "Right, boss." 

The Riddler hung up, and immediately began dialing another number on his question mark-shaped phone. 


	4. Batmobile in front of white steps

Outside police headquarters, the Terrific Trio stood huddled around the Batmobile. "So you see, Batgirl," Batman explained, "the riddle we were cogitating was actually a clue to the whereabouts of the real riddles needed to solve his crime." 

"That enigmatic egotist has done it again!" exclaimed Robin. 

Their brainstorming was interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing from inside the Batmobile. 

"Yes, Commissioner?" Batman said, picking up the receiver. Peels of the Riddler's wild laughter crackled through the earpiece. 

"Riddler! Where are those submarines, you serial querrier?" 

"I ask the questions here, Batman. You answer them – or maybe you won't!" 

"You've really done it this time, Riddler" Batman said, scanning the horizon for signs of his foe. "Stealing four submarines at once is a stunt I didn't think even _you_ could pull off, given your usual hooligan staffing level." 

"Elementary for a mind like mine, Batman. I merely welded trailer hitches to the front and back of each vessel." 

"Of course! It's so simple that it's fiendishly clever!" 

"Now riddle me this: Why did the dog run around in circles?" 

"Why did the dog..." 

"Solve them on your own time - I'm in a hurry. Also, what trembles at each breath of air, but can bear the heaviest burdens? And where do we _love_ to sleep outdoors?" 

Batman listened to some hyena-like cackling, followed by a click as the villain hung up on him. "No manners at all," he said, shaking his head. "Well, at least he's given us the clues to his next crime." 

"His next crime?" said Robin. "He has enough missiles to conduct World War III! Why is he wasting time with follow-up robberies?" 

Batgirl provided the solution. "The Commissioner said that the wake from that caravan of submarines was spotted by a Coast Guard cutter. The cutter tried following, but lost the trail when the subs started changing direction and then submerged to deeper depths. What if the Riddler's haphazard maneuvering near the ocean floor resulted in some kind of damage?" 

"Damage that may have curtailed his ability to operate his ill-gotten goods!" Batman said enthusiastically. "He overlooked the First Rule of Safe Vehicle Operation - 'Always..." 

"We'd better solve those riddles before you forget them, Batman," Batgirl interrupted. 

"I hardly think that's likely, Batgirl. The first riddle was 'why did the dog run in circles'?" 

"Because one good turn deserves another!" said Batgirl. 

Several teeny-bopping girls were passing by the Batmobile and now stopped to stare. 

"Look! It's Robin!" cried one. 

Ignoring the distraction, Batman continued. "What trembles at each breath of air, but can bear the heaviest of burdens!" 

"Water!" said Robin. 

The excited girl gasped in awe. "Do you see how brave he is!" 

Robin began turning red. "Aw, gee..." 

"Very kind of you to say, Miss," Batman responded on behalf of his protégé. "Now, could you young ladies move along and refrain from touching the Batmobile? Thank you." 

"Were there any more riddles?" asked Batgirl. 

Batman watched the departing girls warily. "There was one other that I won't go into, but the answer was 'sextant'." 

"I've got it!" Robin said. "They all add up to the 'Good Turn Nautical Navigation Supply' store!" 

"That's on the other side of town!" said Batgirl. "We'd better hurry!" The three rushed for their respective vehicles. 


	5. Hooded Figures Dart About In The Darknes...

At 'Good Turn Nautical Navigation Supply', The River Rats were already in the process of gleefully relieving the store of it's gyroscopes and accelerometers. The Riddler hopped around as he watched impatiently, acting as both coach and cheerleader. Light from an opening doorway suddenly spilled into the room. Silhouetted in the doorway was the outline of a terrifying apparition with Batlike wings. 

"Stand where you are, hoodlums!" ordered Batman as he lowered his outstretched arms, which were draped in his cape. 

"The jig is up, Riddler!" seconded Batgirl. 

"Riddle me this, Batminions: How are you three like turtles?" the Riddler called out. 

"We'll show you who's slow, Riddler!" Robin said, clenching his fists. 

The Riddler danced around gleefully. "Wrong, wrong, wrong. You're like turtles becuuuuz...you're stuck with a very hard case!" He giggled manically. 

"I've had about enough of this," Batgirl said to her teammates. 

"Let's get 'em!" said Robin. 

Batman led the charge. "Prepare to succumb, evildoers!" 

The three River Rats ran towards the Terrific Trio. Pulling a giant decorative sextant from the wall and holding it before them, our heroes moved in unison to meet the thugs. The two trios crashed together and six sets of hands locked around the sextant in a deathgrip. They strained and pushed against each other. After several tense seconds, goodness prevailed and the thugs were thrown backwards, giving way to the irresistible force of the Terrific Trio. 

As Whisker rose to his feet, Batman greeted him with a sock to the jaw.   
SMACK! 

Robin pointed urgently at Whitey's shoe and, after Whitey foolishly looked down, sent him reeling with an uppercut.  
THWOCK! 

Fangs lunged for Batgirl, who twisted his grasping wrist, spun him around in a circle, and threw him headlong into a giant compass bearing the company's name.   
WHONNGG! 

Seeing the situation heading south, the Riddler turned to flee. "Robin! Behind you!" called out Batman. 

Robin paused in the middle of a punch to the groggy Whitey. He looked around too late to prevent the Riddler from racing past him. 

"I can take care of these three! You two stop the Riddler. _His_ escape we can't risk!" yelled Batgirl. 

"She's right!" said Batman. "Come on, Robin!"

As the dynamic duo raced off, the three River Rats charged Batgirl with a newfound optimism. She quickly squashed their hopes by dispatching the first with a high kick (BAF!), the second with a heel to the toe, followed up by a knee to the chin (GUMP!), and the third by snatching up a vase and shattering it over his head (KRESH!). 

Batman and Robin continued in hot pursuit of the Riddler. They were gradually catching up with the Wizard of Quiz, who raced frantically for a partially opened door ahead. Zipping through the narrow gap, the Riddler called back tauntingly. "Riddle me this: When is a door not a door?" 

Robin responded instantly. "When it's aja—" 

The door was unexpectedly thrown open by a sidekick from the Riddler, causing Robin to run headfirst into the doorjam. In a flash, Batman seized the slim quizmaster by his outstretched leg and tugged him back. The Riddler looked up fearfully as a huge, heavy jar toppled from the door frame and fell directly on top of him, smashing him to the ground. The jar shattered and the hundreds of glass marbles inside flew out in all directions. 

Batman shielded his face for a moment, then let go of the Riddler's leg. "Are you all right, Robin?" he asked. 

"Deah!" Robin, said holding his smarting nose. "Id loogs lige we sdobbed im!" 

Batman saw that the door now sported a shoe-shaped hole in it. "Once again you show an appalling lack of regard for private property, Riddler," he said. "You thought you had us fooled with your little jar-atop-the-door deathtrap, didn't you? Just a little _too_ convoluted, I'm afraid!" 

The Riddler's jaw hung slack. He tried to speak, but only a bubble emerged from his lips. A stray marble rolled off of his lolling head. 

"Hey, it looks like the Riddler's lost his marb—" 

"Don't say it, Robin! Our planet is still gripped in a perilous crisis." Batman gripped the Riddler by his green tie. "Now, listen here, you word-twisting worm, you're going to tell us where you've taken those submarines!" 

"Buhhh," answered the Riddler as his eyes glazed over. 

Batgirl came racing up to the doorway. "What was that crash? Oh, good, you've got the Riddler!" She stooped to examine their prisoner. "It looks like he's suffered a concussion, though." 

"There's a hospital a few blocks from here. We'd better take him there quickly before his condition worsens," said Batman. 

****

"But While Our Heroes Stand In Consternation Around Their Senseless Foe, The Wily River Rat Gang Is Effecting A Getaway!" 

Groggily, Whiskers and Fangs moved over to Whitey and shook him awake. All three got to their feet and scurried off. 

****

"And, As Police Sirens Fill The Air, A Siren Of A More Shapely Sort Is Thrust Into The Pulse-Pounding Proceedings!" 

The Siren slowly peered over a wall. She watched the Terrific Trio loading the Riddler onto an ambulance. 


	6. Footsteps In The Hallway

Accompanied by a white-jacketed doctor, the Terrific Trio walked the length of a hospital corridor. Dr. Wow listened as the heroes filled him in on what had transpired. 

"It's absolutely crucial that the Riddler recover enough to be able to talk within the next 24 hours," said Batman. 

"The world is on the brink of disaster, and he's the only one who can lead us to those submarines!" Robin added. 

"We'll certainly do our best, Dynamic Duo!" the doctor assured them. 

"And we need to keep his presence here quiet, doctor," said Batgirl. "If the word of the theft gets out to the press, it could cause a panic amongst the populace – as well as attract every crook in Gotham down here to get a word with the Riddler." 

Elsewhere in the hospital, a police guard stood alone in a hallway. The Siren cautiously emerged from behind a corner and approached him. Spotting her, the guard warily put a hand to his sidearm. Suddenly, his world seemed to tip as the Siren let out her piercing cry at precisely two octaves above high C. After several long seconds, she let the note die. 

"I want you to rush down to the end of the street and wait there for further orders. Quickly!" she said. 

Without a word, the guard obediently trotted off. The Siren looked around to make sure she was alone, then pushed open the door that the guard had vacated. She padded across the floor to a bed where the Riddler lay convalescing. 

"Riddler," she whispered. The Riddler was silent. 

Nudging him, she said more insistently, "Riddler! I need the coordinates of where you abandoned the submarines. Quickly, before the guards send replacements!"

"Whu?" he responded in confusion. 

"It's the Siren! Do you remember the submarines' location?" 

"Sub..mu..." 

"The submarines! Try to remember!" 

The Riddler tried to focus on her words. "Yes." 

"Where are they?" 

"W-who has the tune…that we'd both like to croon….and o-obtained this bonanza…through religious extravaganza?"

The Siren stared at him in astonishment. "What?!"

"N-name the place with the unchanging name….although it's namesake's name might not stay the same."

She grabbed his shirtfront and started shaking him furiously. "You-listen-here-you-sorry-excuse-for-a-partner!-You-can-be-addle-brained-for-the-rest-of-your-miserable-life-but-first-you're-going-to-tell-me-where-those-subs-are!!" 

The Riddler gasped as his head jerked back and forth. "'Kay! Okay! Sub..." 

"Yes?" she said, releasing him. 

"Sub...pose we have isolation such that..." 

"Aaagh!" she screamed. "We don't have time for that!!" She punctuated her remarks with a slap to the face. 

From the hallway came the voice of Doctor Wow. "...and possibly some broken ribs. Of course, we won't know the full extent of the damage until we're able to run a complete battery of tests." The Siren froze while the Riddler continued to mumble. 

The next voice was Batman's. "When will that be, Doctor?" 

"At this point, we're just waiting to determine the Riddler's insurance status." 

The voices were getting louder. The Siren crept over to the door. She opened her mouth and took in a deep preparatory breath. 

"The key to the continuation of life as we know it rests in your hands and you're not going to act until you get confirmation of his insurance?!" said an incredulous feminine voice. 

"Batgirl! Blast it all!" the Siren muttered to herself. "I'll have to try later." She headed for the window. 

"Where's the guard that was stationed here?" asked Batman as he reached the door. 

The three crimefighters entered the room, followed by the physician. Batgirl immediately noticed that the window was open and rushed over to it. Batman sniffed at the air. 

"That enchanting fragrance. Someone was here just moments ago." 

"Well, whoever it was is gone now," Batgirl replied as she looked out the window. 

"Hey, look!" said Robin. "The Riddler's saying something!" 

They anxiously crowded around the Riddler. "Isolation, such isolation," he mumbled as he drifted back into incoherence. 

"Riddler! We want to help you," insisted Batman. 

Doctor Wow shined a small light into the Riddler's eyes. "I'm afraid he's unconscious again, Batman. You won't be able to question him for quite some time." 

Minutes later, the four emerged dejectedly from the entrance of the hospital. Per some hasty instructions, a number of guards – two of them female – now watched the main doors. Spying a reporter headed in their direction, the heroes quickly turned and headed for their vehicles. 

It was radio celebrity Barry Brown. "Well, well, well, the 'Terrific Trio'," he said, tagging along behind. "Mind telling me what's going on in there that's so important, Batman?" 

"We were just checking up on a crime victim, but everything is okay," Batman replied, without slowing his pace. 

"What's this victim's name? Strange that the Gotham Naval Base has been on alert going on four days and this is the most important thing you three have to do." 

"The Navy is handling that situation and we have full confidence in them," Batgirl said, choosing her words carefully. 

"What kind of a rube do you take me for?" said Brown. "There're guards at every entrance to the hospital. Why don't you wise up and spill the beans? I promise I'll go easy on you for whatever screw-ups were made. There might even be a little cash in it for ya." 

"Why, that smarmy..." Robin muttered under his breath. Doctor Wow motioned to a guard, who stepped over to block Brown from following them. 

"Don't worry about me," he called out after the foursome. "I've got plenty of sources I can check besides you 'heroes'." 

Just before ducking into the Batmobile, Robin took a quick look around the hospital parking lot. A number of dirty vehicles were circling slowly around the lot, with their drivers slunk low in their seats. 

Doctor Wow leaned in close to them so that he wouldn't be overheard. "I hate to say it, but we'll have a better chance of hushing this news up if you three stay away from the hospital, at least until the Riddler is lucid again. You attract too much attention for my staff to get anything done." 

Batman nodded reluctantly. "You're right, of course, doctor." 

Wow waved a chart reassuringly. "Don't worry. I've got a full team of doctors ready to work on the Riddler round the clock." 

"As soon as you get the okay from his insurance company," Batgirl said in a low but clearly annoyed tone. 

"Don't worry," Wow nervously assured her. "That's just one of those pesky business necessities. We'll take care of him." The end of his statement was drowned out by the sound of Batgirl kickstarting her cycle. 


	7. A pointer on the word Fishkill Cove

****

"And, at Barbara Gordon's Midtown Apartment..." 

Barbara had set up a large map of the eastern seaboard in front of her canary's birdcage. Charlie the canary watched with interest as she used a pointer to tap a body of water on the map. 

"...so in that 14 hours, the Riddler could have taken the subs as far south as Lackawater Point...and as far north as Fishkill Cove. He also might have put in at Amoeba Inlet. Come to think of it, he could have snuck inland up the Hogtrough River, too." She sighed.

"I'm afraid there's just too many possibilities for me to check out on my own, Charlie. I'll be most effective by doing my part to help get the Riddler talking. Unfortunately, the greedy hospital management wants verification of health insurance before they give the Riddler their full attention." 

She strolled over towards her secret room. "Sooo I'll just have to make sure they're properly motivated. Another wig and some tighter clothing transform me into..." putting on the wig, she spun to face Charlie. "...Master Insurance Claims Representative!" 

At stately Wayne Manor, Dick, Bruce and Alfred were pacing solemnly back and forth in the study. 

"Our best bet is for you to take the Batcopter and head due east and see if you can locate any trace of those subs," Bruce instructed Dick. "If the Riddler happened to bang up against an outcropping of rocks, there may be some debris on the water." 

"You're not coming along?" Dick asked. 

"I'm afraid not. I got enough of a look at Dr. Wow's physician schedule to keep me close to home." 

"You recognized one of the names on the list?" 

"I did indeed. Imagine a man with a brow like Shakespeare, a face like Satan, and the magnetic eyes of a cat. Imagine a man with a giant intellect and all the resources of science, past and present, at his disposal. Then imagine a cheap, second-rate imitation of that individual." 

Alfred looked up. "You don't mean that horrid Dr. Daka?" 

"The dastardly demon doctor himself," confirmed Bruce. 

"But he's in jail," said Dick. 

"No longer, Dick. I just contacted the penitentiary. Apparently Warden Crichton felt that letting Daka out on work release would take his mind off of world domination and get him once again engrossed in the science of medicine. The warden issued a glowing recommendation and assurances of Daka's complete reform. The hospital approved his posting several weeks ago." 

"If I might offer an opinion, I'd say this fellow is too dangerous to have access to _any_ sharp objects, let alone an entire building full of them," said Alfred. "I fail to see the wisdom of tasking such a person with mending the injured." 

Dick nodded. "You bet, Alfred! We might not have stopped him the first time if he wasn't so bloodthirsty that he kept a pit full of alligators under his hideout." 

"The loss of his arm and leg to his hungry pets only served to fuel his psychosis," responded Bruce. "And his unquenchable thirst for conquest of the Western Hemisphere still burns in his belly, long after the death of his emperor." 

"But the more we hang around the hospital, the more we risk revealing the missile theft and starting worldwide chaos!" Dick exclaimed. "Aw, heck! What's the use, Bruce? You can't be there to keep Daka away from the Riddler, and I've got hundreds of miles of ocean to search!!" 

"If I may say, Master Bruce, this looks like a very dark situation indeed," Alfred agreed. 

Bruce looked up at the large portrait of a couple that hung on the wall. The man in the painting looked exactly like Bruce except that he had a mustache. 

"Twenty seven years ago, I made a solemn vow to uphold the legacy of my father, physician Thomas Wayne, by avenging his murder and sparing all who walk Gotham's streets from his grim fate. Now, the time has come for me to follow in his footsteps in a more definitive manner – to emulate his traits beyond mere bravery." 

He opened the drawer of a desk beneath where the portrait hung, and with great reverence removed a doctor's bag. 

Dick recognized it immediately. "Your father's medical kit! You're going to be a doctor!" 

Alfred hesitated a moment before deciding to speak. "Begging your pardon, Master Bruce, but even with your all-encompassing sagacity, you cannot hope to match the decades of knowledge your father compiled in the medical field." 

"True," Bruce agreed. "I may not have performed many complex surgical procedures that involved living, human patients – yet! However, I have a stout heart and a steady hand. Plus...I have something more to guide me." 

Patting his father's bag, Bruce turned and strode purposefully from the room. 


	8. Long shot of Hospital

Fully disguised as the insurance representative, Barbara had returned to the hospital and was now making introductions. 

"I'm Cecile Hamilton, with Glomco Insurance. I'm here about the Riddler," she said as she shook hands with Doctor Wow and his nurse. 

"Thank you for coming so promptly, Ms. Hamilton," the doctor replied. "We've been told to treat Mr. Nygma's case as a high priority, but we've been trying to go through traditional channels and keep a low profile on this one. Speaking of which, what prompted Glomco to send someone out in person?" 

"Well, I suppose I can tell you. Just between us medical professionals, we at Glomco aren't too sure we made the wisest choices with respect to Mr. Nygma. There's some concern at headquarters over Mr. Nygma being signed up under our double platinum unlimited coverage that has no maximum dollar limit." 

The women watched an expression of pure rapture spread across Dr. Wow's features. 

"Doctor?" asked the nurse, but he could not hear her - his ears were currently overwhelmed by the sound of angels singing. For a moment, Barbara could swear that she saw dollars signs instead of pupils in the man's eyes. 

"Thank you, thank you!" Wow's breathless whisper seemed to be directed at a being other than Barbara or the nurse. 

Finally noticing their quizzical expressions, he managed to snap out of his euphoria. 

"Well, what are you standing around for, Blondy Jo?" he demanded. "A man's life is in danger! Run those tests!" 

"Which tests, doctor?" asked the nurse. 

"All of them!" he answered, waving the Riddler's chart. "Why, just look at his condition! He needs every test we've got! Heck, we may need to come up with some brand new tests just for this case!" 

"Oh, thank you, Doctor," Barbara said, containing a grin. "I knew I could trust our client to your care." 

"Why don't we go check up on him now?" he suggested. 

Meanwhile, the peacefulness of the Riddler's hospital room had been invaded by the warped, scheming presence of Doctor Daka. The claw-handed doctor looked even more ancient than the last time he had crossed swords with the Caped Crusaders. 

Daka hovered over the Riddler's inert, mumbling form. "Hear me, Riddler! You will reveal your secrets to me and me alone! I covet the submarines in your possession!" 

The Riddler babbled another heavily slurred rhyme. "Here's a gem, but it'll cost ya. What's a walkway filled with pasta?" 

Seizing his patient by the shoulders, Daka snarled, "You will take me to them of your own free will...or you will go there as a mindless zombie servant. It matters not to me. Speak, you over-rated simpleton!" 

Drool dribbled down the Riddler's chin.

Behind him, Doctor Wow and Barbara entered the room. "This is your final chance to preserve the contents of your feeble trivia-filled mind!" Daka bellowed, unaware of their presence. 

"Doctor, what's going on here?" asked Doctor Wow. 

Grabbing up a tongue depressor with his good hand, Daka's tone abruptly changed. "Your reflexes seem to be progressing nicely, Mr. Riddler. Now be a good patient and say 'aah'." He turned and pretended to notice the pair behind him for the first time.

"Oh, Doctah Wow, how pleasant to see you. I was just trying to persuade the Riddler to open his mouth. It pleases him to make a game of it." 

"Well, that's fine," Dr. Wow decided, after a moment's hesitation. "But be careful of how you address our patient. We've got a guest from his insurance provider. Allow me to introduce, from Glomco Insurance, Cecile..." 

The door suddenly opened and Bruce Wayne entered, carrying his father's medical bag. 

"Bruce Wayne!" said Dr. Wow. "Well, I see that some further introductions are in order."

Sensing her cover was about to be blown, Barbara promptly buried her face in her notebook and stepped out of Wayne's direct line of vision. 

Daka chucked nervously. "I must confess that all these visitors are really not good for the patient's rest. Let me assure you that I will stay by this poor man's side each minute of the day until I see his full recovery." 

"That won't be necessary, Dr. Daka" announced Bruce. "I believe _I_ can treat the Riddler from this point forward." 

"You...you can, Mr. Wayne?" asked Dr. Wow. "Have you ever studied medicine?" 

"Oh yes, I've dabbled in it extensively in my spare time. And I fondly recall the bedtime stories told to me by my late father about his work here." 

Daka looked at Wayne scornfully. "Do tell, Mr. Wayne," he said. "I am most anxious to learn the details of your medical certification. Please to tell us the school where you earned your medical degree." 

"A more reputable institution than the den of vipers that spawned your certification, no doubt." 

"Really?" sneered Daka. "And the name of your alma mater?"

"An Enduring Concern For My Fellow Man! You might call it the 'school of life' – in my case, a life lived cleanly and responsibly." 

Daka made an insincere attempt to conceal his snickering. "Well, that is most impressive, Mistah Wayne. But I suppose we will have to let Doctor Wow settle this matter. He ultimately bears the responsibility for all physician work-assignments...in the event of future _litigation_". 

"I'll need to check with his insurance provider," answered Dr. Wow. "What is your opinion on this, Ms....Hamilton? Where did she go?" 

Slipping out into the hallway, Barbara lowered the notebook from her face and let out a sigh of relief. She briskly departed from the area. 

"I guess she had to leave," Dr. Wow said, giving a shrug. "Uh, Mr. Wayne, are you sure that your medical...experience...qualifies you to handle advanced cranial trauma cases?" 

"The four million dollars I donated to the Needy Children's Wing says it does." 

"Well?" said Daka, growing impatient. "What is your decision?" 

There was a long pause before Doctor Wow spoke. "After considering all aspects of Mr. Wayne's background, I'm satisfied with his credentials to practice medicine here." 

"What?! That is absurd!" roared Daka. 

"Now don't worry, Doctor. There are plenty of important assignments here that we need your help on," Wow said, moving to calm his subordinate. 

Daka shook his claw hand in the air. "I have poured my efforts into this case! The Riddler must remain my patient! In his fragile state, any disruption to his routine could be catastrophic!" 

"Sure, sure," said his superior, steering him towards the door. "Say, we're sooo shorthanded over in the bedpan cleaning section. Why don't you be a sport and see if you can give them a hand over there?" 

Daka shot Wayne a look of pure venom. Wayne continued to smile confidently, ignoring Daka. 

"You may have won this battle, Mistah Wayne. But you must be careful that your impetuous need to be of assistance does not result in an unfortunate death." Daka leaned towards Wayne. "You will find that life is a very tenuous thing within these walls." 

"I won't keep you from your bedpans, sir. Good day." 

As Wow escorted a grumbling Daka from the room, Wayne scrutinized the Riddler's patient chart. "Doctor Wow, I will report to you within the hour on my diagnosis." 

"Thank you, Mr. Wayne!" chirped the eager-to-please Wow. 


	9. A Spinning Bat Emblem

****

"Later, As The Initial Shift In His Promising New Career Draws To A Close, Bruce Wayne Seeks Solitude In The Employee Break Room" 

Standing off in a corner of the empty room, Bruce spoke into a miniaturized radio hidden in his jacket. "Where are you, Robin?" 

"Approximately 90 miles from your position, passing over Mouthwash Reservoir," came the response from the Batcopter. "No sign of the submarines so far!" 

"I'm not making any progress with the Riddler either, but at least I'm keeping Dr. Daka at bay." 

"Any news from Batgirl?" 

"Not so far. Well, keep me posted. Good hunting." 

"Roger – over and out!" said Robin. 

Bruce hastily stashed the radio in his jacket as he heard someone entering the room behind him. It was Nurse Blondy Jo, now clad in her street clothes. 

"This is the employee lounge, ma'am. Do you work here?" asked Bruce. 

"Ah sure do, sugah!" said the buxom belle. "Ah jest went off duty. Say! Aren't you theyat handsome new doctah, Bruce Wayne?" She sidled up to him. 

"Yes, I suppose I am. I must say, however, that I am undeserving of your adjectives." 

"Why, ah'll bet yoah jest the most talented doctor in the hospital! And so humble, too!" 

"Please, please - I am new to the facility and still have much to learn." 

"Why shugah, yoah jest the man ah need! Ah've got this leetle ol' cut raht heah at the top of mah leg and thet thing jest won't heal." 

"Hmm," he said nervously. "Perhaps you should consider scheduling an appointment." 

The smile faded from the pretty blond's face as something dawned on her. "Oh, ah do apologahze. I'm keepin' you from your work, ain't I? Youah supposed to be getting' trained on theyat new-fangled machine in ampitheatah B!" 

"I'm supposed to be in ampitheater B?" Bruce asked, completely disconcerted. "Are you sure?" 

"Heah ah'm getting' you in a heap a'trouble! You best come along with me, sugah!" 

They two marched down the corridor, with Blondy Jo leading Bruce along by the hand. 

"Let me stop in here briefly to check on a patient," Bruce said as they passed the Riddler's room. 

"Oh, ah don't know if you bettah do that! Youah late already." 

"It will just take a moment, nurse," he said firmly. 

Bruce entered the room. He could make out the form of the Riddler sleeping soundly in the darkness. He started to depart, then stopped and took a closer look. His sharp eyes were able to make out a headpiece encircling the Riddler's forehead. 

"And what's this?" he said, striding toward the bed. 

Before he could reach the Riddler, the lights blazed on. Doctor Daka stepped out from behind some curtains. Daka's prosthetic claw attachment had by now been replaced by his "gun-hand", which he kept trained on Wayne and Blondy Jo. 

"Oh, mah word!" exclaimed the nurse. 

"Stand back, Miss!" Bruce cautioned. 

"You have most inopportune timing, Mistah Wayne," Daka observed. 

"What's this headpiece you've got on the Riddler?" asked Bruce. "Isn't that one of your zombie devices I've read about?" Bruce knew from experience that once it was activated, the Riddler would be compelled to follow Daka's every command. 

"If you take one more step, I will be forced to shoot you," Daka stated calmly. 

"And the Riddler? What will you do with him?" 

"Be assured that I will see to Mr. Nygma's care personally. How unfortunate that you will not be there to witness his recovery." 

"You can do with me what you will, you venomous rodent, but know this - you will never control my mind." 

"Your mind is not worth controlling, Mistah Wayne. I would not waste the electricity necessary to convert you into a zombie. You are merely a spoiled pest to be exterminated." 

****

"Cornered By His Arch-Enemy, Bruce Wayne Is Forced To Fight For His Very Existence As He Has Never Done Before!" 

With a righteous fury, Wayne hurled his father's doctor bag at Daka. The heavy satchel nailed Daka squarely in the chin, knocking him to the floor. 

"Take one dosage of swift justice, Daka!" Bruce advised his co-worker. 

Bruce cautioned Blondy Jo back away from the villain. As he approached his foe cautiously, Blondy Jo produced a syringe from her waistband and injected Bruce with it. 

Stunned, Bruce could only murmer, "Nurse?" before toppling over. Blondy Jo moved to help Daka to his feet. 

The aging criminal congratulated the young woman. "You have done well, Blondy Jo. You are a most useful mole. One never sees such ingenuity in the ranks of the zombified." 

She smiled. "Yoah jest lucky ah'm natchilly evil." 

Elsewhere in the hospital, Barbara Gordon was pacing the empty hallway. "I can't afford to have Bruce Wayne blowing my cover at this stage...but hopefully he's gone home by now," she said to herself. 

She stopped in front of the Riddler's door and listened intently. She could hear the sound of electrical crackling from within the room. Steeling herself for danger, Barbara threw open the door and entered. 

She saw sparks fly around the Riddler's head. His entire body was completely rigid. Dr. Daka was kneeling beside the bed, his hand operating a fiendish portable zombie generator. Bruce Wayne lay unconscious nearby on the floor. 

From behind her, a hand holding a cloth soaked in chloroform suddenly clamped over Barbara's mouth and nose. Nurse Blondy Jo wrapped her other arm around Barbara's torso, pinning her arms to her sides just long enough for the drug to take effect. Barbara resisted briefly, then slumped unconscious in her arms. 

"Excellent!" declared Daka. "Quickly, tie her up while I complete the preparations for the Riddler!" 


	10. Picture Slowly Comes Into Focus On A Gro...

Barbara awoke moments later to find herself bound to a chair. The Riddler was now sitting up ramrod straight in bed. Daka was putting away his zombie generator, his foul task apparently completed. 

"Do not worry, pretty lady," he gloated to the hapless Barbara. "Mr. Wayne will be receiving an unprecedented amount of medical attention. So sorry that we cannot stay - you may have this room to yourself. Please make yourself comfortable." 

Daka picked up a microphone and spoke into it. "Riddler! Pick Mistah Wayne up by the shoulders and follow me!" 

Barbara could only watch helplessly as the robot-like Riddler obediently rose from his bed and hauled Bruce Wayne out of the room. Blondy Jo waved to Barbara as the group departed. "Naghty-naght!" 

Bruce Wayne slowly regained his senses. He too found himself tied up, only in this case, to a bizarre metal contraption. The towering device contained numerous skeletal arms, all ending in scalpels, and he was lying at it's epicenter. 

"Ah, you are awake," Daka said, standing over him. "Good. They become angry when you reserve an ampitheater and do not put it to use...although no one is likely to be checking at one a.m." 

"What'cha gonna do to 'im, Docter?" Blondy Jo asked with glee. 

Daka seemed to savor his words. "In my homeland, every medical student knows by heart the details of the surgery upon Ashiro Motsumi. Mr. Motsumi was given a kidney transplant, a bone marrow transfusion, an appendectomy, and treated for a hangnail, all in a single sitting. It was the most complex medical procedure ever undertaken, and established a record for the amount of yen awarded in a single insurance claim. Since my days as an intern, it has been my life's ambition to surpass that record, blazing my name forever in the annals of medical history! Tonight, Mr. Wayne, you will assist me in reaching that goal by serving as my patient in the most bizarre – and needless - series of operations ever undertaken. There is no need for you to worry, of course. In order for this record to be of any value, history must show that you survived the operations – for at least several hours." 

Daka's finger traced the edge of several scalpels. "You see now before you the most powerful engine of surgery ever known to man or cattle. This device can perform eight different surgeries simultaneously. Regrettably, the complexity of this procedure precludes the use of anesthesia. However, I am sure a man of medicine such as yourself would not want to miss the opportunity to witness such an all-encompassing agendum." 

He threw a switch, activating the monstrous device. It groaned and jerked to life. 

Daka spoke into the microphone. "Mistah Riddler, we will be departing now."

As Daka and Blondy Jo exited with the zombified Riddler, Bruce struggled futilely amidst a frenzy of thrashing metal appendages. 

****

"This Is A Tense And Tragic Moment!

Never In Bruce Wayne's Life Has The Situation Been So Dramatic! 

What Will Happen Now To Bruce As Robin, 90 Miles Away In The Batcoper, Is Unaware Of This Latest And Serious Development?

And What Is To Become Of Robin And Batgirl? Will They Too Fall Victim To The Murderous Designs Of Doctor Daka?

The Fate Of The Planet Hangs By The Frailest Of Threads!

Don't Dare To Miss The Next Thrilling Chapter!

Same Bat Time! Same Bat Website!"


	11. Stock Footage of the Batcopter In Flight

Robin skillfully guided the Batcopter out over the ocean. Although the setting suspiciously resembled what we have seen of the Batcopter in previous episodes, be assured that on this occasion it was actually much _farther_ out to sea, in a completely different location. Robin tried the radio. 

"Calling Bruce Wayne! There could be villains inside the submarines ready to fire missiles at any approaching aircraft!" He waited for a response, but received only silence. "Doctor Wayne? That's funny. I just talked to him. Why isn't he still on break?" 

Tragically, Bruce Wayne still lay trapped at the center of Dr. Daka's diabolical dissecting contraption. Bruce could hear the faint chirp of Robin's voice coming from the radio transceiver in his coat pocket. Bruce desperately tried to maneuver his strapped arms to get at the radio. Just as he had managed to fish it out enough to touch the reply button, a swinging hydraulic arm knocked it from his grasp. The batteries popped out of the radio as it hit the floor. 

Bruce looked up to see a number of the sharp-edged scalpels poised directly above him. As he tried desperately to devise a means of escape, the scalpels simultaneously descended on him from multiple directions. In the Batcopter, Robin briefly heard the sound of metal gears grinding before the connection was just as swiftly broken. 

"Bruce! Bruce!" he cried. The only response was static. 

And, in what just minutes before been the Riddler's hospital room, Barbara Gordon sat struggling with her bonds. With brave determination, she attempted to wiggle her arms free of the chair back around which they were tied. 

Meanwhile, Daka and the treacherous Nurse Blondy Jo sat relaxing in the back of an automobile. Driving the vehicle was the Riddler, receiving instructions via Daka's mind-controlling microphone. Daka fitted a cigarette into his cigarette-holder as he savored the moment. 

"I feel it is worth noting, Mr. Riddler, that you seem to be held in higher regard than I by our brethren in the super-villain elite," Daka sneered as he lit his cigarette. "Yet it is you who the world will observe chauffeuring us around your city (turn left here). You, a lowly driver, the only role in this monumental plot which would suit your limited capabilities." 

Barbara had managed to tug her arms up over the chair back and now straightened unsteadily to her feet. As she began hopping across the hospital room, its former occupant was pulling to a stop at the street that bordered the front gate of the hospital. A blur of speeding traffic from both directions whooshed past in front of them.

Daka spoke into the microphone. "Wait. Wait. After this car you will go. And then we may discuss these submarines of yours." 

Registering the fact that a car had indeed passed by, the Riddler started to pull into traffic. 

"No, wait!" said Daka, forcing the Riddler to suddenly brake. "Not that car, fool...this one!" 

"Wait! Thayat truck!" added Blondy Jo. 

"Yes, wait," agreed Daka. "You go just after this truck." 

The Riddler waited, his blank gaze directed straight ahead. 

Barbara's leaps had by this time brought her to the opposite side of the room. Gasping for breath, she resolutely forged ahead, thrusting her torso at a button on a wall panel. A plaque under the button read 'Bubonic Plague Contamination Alert'. By straining on the tips of her toes, she managed to press the button with her nose. The sound of claxons immediately filled the air. 

The repercussions of Barbar's action were instantly felt out at the front gate. The activation of the alarm automatically triggered the closing of the huge security gate, albeit very slowly. Inside a nearby vehicle, debate continued over ideal traffic-merging conditions. 

"Go! What you wait for?" Daka snarled at the Riddler. 

"Nu-ooo!" cried out Blondy Jo, spying a speeding car sliding over into the nearest lane. 

"Stop!" Daka commanded just in time to save them the oncoming Cadillac. The three villains remained oblivious to the huge gates continuing to close on either side of them. 

"Get ready...not yet...wait," Daka said. 

"He shudda gone!" protested Blondy Jo. 

"Not yet...not yet...yet! I mean, now!" 

The Riddler obediently hit the gas. The car plowed straight into the unyielding clutches of the security gate. The massive gate crushed the front end of the car like a walnut, stopping it dead in its tracks. 

In the hospital room, Barbara had located a tiny pair of scissors and was now using them to cut through the tape binding her wrists.

The Siren quietly crept through the bushes lining the hospital's fenced perimeter. Although the alarm had now shut off, she was still wary of being spotted. Hearing a shout, she turned to see Daka standing by his damaged car. He was waving his claw hand in the air and swearing in his native tongue. Her eyes widened as she spotted the Riddler standing by passively during the tirade. She hurried in that direction. 

An astonished Doctor Wow entered ampitheater B and gasped at what he saw in the dissecting machine. He stood frozen in shock for a moment, then rushed forward to help the motionless figure of Bruce Wayne. 

Daka was giving hasty orders to the Riddler via his microphone. "Mr. Riddler, I may not have the chance to interview you privately in the near future, so you must respond to my next question directly. Where are..." 

"Not so fast," interrupted the Siren, arriving just in time to spoil his interrogation. 

"Leaves us, woman. You will betray no loyalties here." 

"Can you hear me, Riddler?" asked the Siren, searching for some sign of intelligence in the blank expression. "Have you regained your senses?" 

Daka turned to Blondy Jo. "Please to cover ears, nurse." Blondy Jo dutifully covered her ears. 

"My ears! Quickly!" 

Blondy Jo covered his ears just before the Siren opened her mouth and let loose with a piercing note that reverberated across the grounds. The Riddler watched all this transpire in blank fascination. 

Yelling into the microphone over the sound of her voice, Daka ordered, "You will ignore this woman, Mr. Riddler! Her singing means nothing to you!" 

The Siren's note finally died off. She and Daka each grabbed the Riddler by an arm. 

In unison, the two bellowed, "Riddler, come with me!" 

The Riddler tried to cope with the conflicting commands, both of which he was compelled to obey. His eyes spun around in his sockets as the sensory overload took a horrible toll. Dr. Daka and the Siren watched closely, searching for a sign of which command had won out inside the workings of the enigmatic skull. After a long pause, the Riddler opened his mouth. 

"Woo Woooo!" 

His mind suddenly freed from the confines of sanity, he broke away and sprinted off across the lawn. 

"Clickety-clack-clickety-clack-clickety-clack," they heard his voice recede in the distance. Turning toward the other, Daka and Siren snarled (again, in unison), "See what you've done now!" 

Kicking off her heels, the Siren took off angrily in pursuit. Daka called the Riddler's name repeatedly into his microphone, to no result. He angrily shook his claw, then spied two guards exiting from the hospital. 

"Doctor Daka! Why aren't you with the Riddler?" asked one guard. "Surely you don't want us to stay away from the room if he's alone up there." 

"No! The Riddler is over there" Daka pointed after the fleeing twosome. "...escaping with the woman in white! You must stop them both!" He turned to Blondy Jo as the two guards gave chase.

"This way!" 

"Ain't we gonna go aftuh the Riddler?" she asked. 

"I have a hospital full of guards who will do that for me - as long as my authority is recognized. Now that we must remain longer than anticipated, I will be cutting short my experiment on Bruce Wayne. He is horribly disfigured by now, but still agonizingly far from death. The machine has been programmed to deny Mr. Wayne that relief until daybreak. While the guards recapture the Riddler, we must focus on preserving our standing here. We will also do mankind the favor of ensuring that future generations of the Wayne lineage are never unleashed." 


	12. Bruce Leaps Up Energetically

Doctor Wow finished unstrapping Bruce Wayne, who appeared to be perfectly well. 

"My word, Mr. Wayne! You're very lucky you weren't killed in that device! What on earth happened?" 

"Your new employee, Dr. Daka, decided to take his revenge. But his diabolical contraption was faulty! The machine's metal arms kept colliding against each other until they were locked together and incapable of doing me harm!" 

*******

The Riddler continued to mimic a train as he raced through the corridors of the hospital.

"Clickety-clack-clickety-clack!" He stopped to open the nearest door, and stuck his head in. "Woo Woooo!" 

"Oh, merciful heavens!" came the unmistakable voice of Aunt Harriet from inside. 

In a nearby room, Barbara had finished freeing herself. She ducked behind a curtain and began her transformation into the dominoed daredoll known as Batgirl. 

*******

Daka opened the door to ampitheater B with great anticipation. Inside, he found the room completely empty. His towering machine's most prominent feature was now it's single gnarled knot of appendages. Daka threw his cigarette-holder down in fury. Through a window, he spied a helicopter approaching in the distance. The copter had bat-shaped wings. 

Foreign-tongued expletives echoed through the halls of the hospital. 

*******

Batgirl has just finished changing when she heard a commotion out in the hallway. She opened the door slightly. The Riddler went barreling past. He was still yelling, but had altered his mantra. 

"I'm Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!" 

Batgirl leapt into the hallway, only to collide with a sprinting figure in white. 

"The Siren!" Batgirl exclaimed, recovering quickly from the fall. "Just as I suspected!" 

Both women got on their feet and took off after the Riddler. Unbeknownst to them, the babbling quizmaster had randomly chosen an empty room and zipped inside. He a came to a halt and listened as his two pursuers go racing past the room and on down the hall.

*******

The Batcopter was making it's landing out on the lawn. Upon disembarking, Robin was surprised to be greeted by his partner. 

"Batman! I was real worried about you!" 

"And with good reason! You'd have seen the last of me were not fortune smiling down upon me this fine day. Now, let's go! We've got to locate Daka and the Riddler!" 

The duo raced off on foot. 

*******

On the other side of the hospital grounds, Doctor Daka and Nurse Blondy Jo were sneaking out a building side entrance. Blondy Jo looked back to make sure they weren't being followed. Daka, absorbed in his thoughts, grumbled in fury.

"Eight hundred dollars! Eight hundred dollars for a deathtrap that could not kill a butterfly! There will be dire consequences for this outrage."

In a ground floor hospital room, the Riddler stood motionless, lost in thought as he studied his surroundings. The only piece of art gracing the walls was a crude representation of a house. The phrase "Home, Sweet Home" was knitted across the bottom. 

Home. The word penetrated the cobwebs of the Riddler's scrambled mind. Fond images of crossword puzzles and gaunt, cheese-stained faces in hooded sweatsuits flashed through his consciousness. A sad smile crept across his face. Suddenly feeling very alone, the Riddler hopped out of the window. He looked around the grounds, then wandered off aimlessly. 

Dr. Daka and Blondy Jo had by now succeeded in breaking into another car in the parking lot, and Daka's "hotwire" hand attachment was currently being put to good use. 

"Success!" he proclaimed as the motor started. "Now to depart before we are spotted." 

Pulling out of the parking space, he gave the car some gas. He was surprised to see Batgirl and the Siren standing several hundred yards ahead of them. Batgirl had finally caught up to the erstwhile opera singer and hauled her to a stop. Grinning, Daka floored the accelerator. 

Batgirl turned towards the sound of a loud motor being taxed to its limits. Seeing that the large vehicle was heading straight for them, she released her hold on the Siren and moved out of the vehicle's path. Leaning too far in the opposite direction and unprepared for Batgirl to let go, the Siren promptly fell on her backside.

Daka grinned in delight as the fallen form was pinned in his headlights. Just before his car was upon her, he noticed another figure darting into his path. Grabbing the Siren under the shoulders, the figure pulled her back with a swift yank. She kicked her legs up with just enough swiftness to keep them from being crushed by the spinning tires. Collapsing in relief, she looked up to discover the identity of her rescuer.

Doctor Wow hovered over her looking concerned. "Are you all right? Tell me where it hurts," he said gallantly. 

Daka's car screeched to a halt. He looked back behind him angrily.

"Keep goin'!" Blondy Jo yelled at him. She tromped her foot over his on the gas pedal. The car shot forward again. 

The Dynamic Duo came bounding through a hedge of bushes and sprinted over to the buxom pair. 

"So, Siren," declared Batman. "Tripped up by your quest for valuables again." Not getting a response, he watched as Dr. Wow tended to the fallen opera star.

Seeing that the super villainess had only a minor bruise, Batman didn't hesitate to interrupt the examination. "Perhaps you'd be kind enough to share your opinion on a theory of mine, Doctor Wow," he said, pulling the reluctant doctor aside. 

Noticing that the smiling Siren's eyes were shut as she awaited the doctor's further ministrations, Batgirl furtively knelt beside her and put her hand under the Siren's skirt. 

"Given the Riddler's current dilapidated mental state, wouldn't you say that a frontal lobotomy would fix the poor devil right up?" Batman asked.

"Uh, right you are, Batman. An excellent idea," concurred Wow, as he glanced back towards the Siren. 

Pleased to have his hypothesis validated, Batman turned to counsel his admiring sidekick. "Who knows, Robin? Perhaps operating on the Riddler's diseased mind will turn his brain to healthy, productive pursuits."

With the Siren suddenly aware of her presence, Batgirl decided to press her for answers. "It was you that we narrowly missed seeing in the Riddler's hospital room, Siren. Why was he mumbling about isolation when we arrived?"

"Ah, poor Batgirl. Too dim to outwit even a _brain-dead_ Riddler? Although, I certainly have no knowledge of what you're referring to. I caught the Riddler in the act of damaging hospital property, and gave chase, as any good citizen would."

Batman gave a heavy sigh. "Where does it all end, Siren – the cheating, the pilfering, the lies? Is this how you really want to fill your checking account? With the destruction of entire cities?"

"Batman, if so inclined, I'd be perfectly capable of filling my checking account by merely _threatening _the destruction of entire cities."

Sensing a soul in need of saving, Batman shook a stern finger at her. "I call upon you to forsake your evil ways! I can help you escape from this quagmire you've made of your life..."

*******

Not far away, the Riddler staggered unsteadily past a trash can. Sticking out beneath the lid of the overfilled can was a beat-up, dusty top hat. The Riddler examined it for a moment, then pulled off his now-useless zombie headpiece. He compared the two critically. Deciding the top hat suited his mood, he put it on and tossed the zombie headpiece to the ground. Instantly, his whole manner and posture changed. Unnoticed by anyone, he sauntered away towards the city.

*******

Daka's stolen car screeched to a stop in a swirl of dust outside of Honest Gabe's House of Deathtraps. Presently, the owner/proprieter heard persistent knocking at his door. He found an elderly, handicapped man and a stunning blonde woman standing on his doorstep. 

"Hah there," Blondy Jo began, making shushing motions with her hand at Daka. "Uh, we bought this tentacle thingy for slahcin' 'n dahcin' varmits from …and…well, we've come to ask fer our moneh back."

"Because?"

"Because the device is useless and so are you!" snarled Daka. 

"I beg your pardon?"

"After I expended great time and effort in vanquishing my opponent, all that was required of your machine was to finish off a bound, beaten fop. A six-year-old with a mallet could have accomplished this, but your ridiculously expensive product did nothing but malfunction."

"Your description would indicate to me that operator error was involved."

"It was not operator error, it was manufactu-error! The machine is in need of extensive maintenance - and it is still under warranty, so you must fix it, or, if you are too ignorant for the task, pay someone else to." 

"Ignorant? I'll have you know that I am the inventor of the world's first functioning Voice Eraser, which was used to great acclaim by my client, Catwoman, the _world-famous celebrity_, who is _exceedingly_ pleased with my work. Now then, Mr...what did you say your name was?"

*******

Another discussion of great import was occurring simultaneously on the opposite side of the city.

"You see, life is a series of paths to choose from," Batman was explaining. "...the high road or the low. But the correct route is self-evident! Choose the high road at every turn, and you will inevitably tower exultantly above the selfish riffraff of society." 

"Save your breath, Caped Crusader," scoffed the Siren.

"Yes, sometimes the Sea Of Life contains periods of turbulence," he said, ignoring her. "However, once past those rapids, you'll discover tranquillity and inner peace as you've never known. This ill-gained fortune you seek would only drag you below that surface, halting any peaceful progress achieved on your serene voyage!"

*******

Several miles away, Daka was in the midst of waving an object around in his claw. He finally held it still enough for Gabe to recognize it as one of the arms from the giant surgical machine.

"This is the result of our purchase," bellowed Daka. "It does not deconstruct patients! The only damage it is capable of inflicting is upon itself!" He angrily hurled the arm to the floor. "_This_ is the only motion we will ever see from it!" 

"Are you certain you purchased this from me? This resembles an item they stock over at Real Value Hardware. Do you have a receipt?" 

Daka waved his claw hand, upon which was impaled the receipt. 

"Behold!" he said. "You are therefore responsible for repairing your wares." 

"Oah bettah yet, maybe yuh can reimbuhs us," added Blondy Jo. 

"Now, hold on a minute. How do I know you weren't misusing it?" 

"The device is designed to cut through human bone! How would I misuse it?" asked Daka. 

"Maybe you thought you could use it for household woodworking projects. Perhaps you tried to use it as a merry-go-round." 

"You represented the machine as being able to perform eight surgeries at once, although in actuality, it was incapable of performing even one. It is clear that I am the victim of false advertising."

"Since your sole experience in operating the machine at full capacity came on your initial use, and only several days after your purchase, it seems more than likely that you did not fully read the accompanying owner's manual. Also, you have indicated that the item was intended for use in a human dissection procedure. However, the owner manual clearly states that the machine, as with all our fine merchandise, is intended for entertainment purposes only!"

*******

Back at the hospital, Batman was just getting warmed up. 

"Remember, the vine of villainy bears rotten vegetables! And if you let that dreadful vine take root, it will choke out all the sun-loving goodness from within you!" 

Batgirl put her finger to her lips in thought. "I wonder if, by 'isolation' the Riddler could have been referring to..." 

"No talking during Bat-lectures!" Robin whispered urgently.

"Excuse me?" 

"The ninth rule of crimefighting!" 

Irritated, Batman cleared his throat. "Robin, we can discuss the appropriate setting for light conversation later - when I'm able to properly reprimand you. For the moment, if you'll be a good lad and pay attention..." 

Robin glared at Batgirl. 

*******

"Do you mean to imply that I have participated in some manner of fraudulent enterprise at your expense?"

"What I am implying is that you have my eight hundred dollars and I have in return a device that does not function."

"Very well, then. Since your remarks seem intended to defame my character, consider yourself warned that any subsequent remarks by yourself that attribute criminal intent to my business dealings will be dealt with in a manner befitting the severity of the accusation."

"Wull then, seein' how you're so honest, are you gonna fix it?" Blondy Jo asked.

Honest Gabe sighed. "At this point, I'll need to see the item to make an appraisal. When can you bring it in?" 

"The device will not move!" said Daka. "If it did, we would not be here now wasting time with you."

"Batman'n Robin prob'ly have it bah now."

"Look, ma'am, I can't work on what you can't find. This isn't a lost and found service." 

"You are a thief and a liar," growled Daka. 

"Well, if I am, I must be pretty good at it, because I don't get convicted twice a year, unlike some people I could mention." 

*******

"Look," Batman said, pointing upwards. "That beautiful songbird in the sky: listen to how happily it chirps! The toil of an honest day's labor ensures its freedom from the gnawing anxiety of a guilt-ridden existence. The same holds true for the bird's human counterpart, Robin, Gotham's own beloved Boy Wonder."

Batgirl looked questioningly at Robin, who shrugged at her.

*******

"You have deceived me with faulty merchandise, and now, you will pay a terrible price," Daka threatened. 

"You mean a full refund? Out of the question," said Gabe. "However, since I am exceedingly reasonable, I'll allow you to count it as a trade-in on your next deathtrap." 

"Trade-in fuh whut?" Blondy Jo whispered to Daka suspiciously. "We ain't gonna pay a lot fuh this deathtrap!"

There was a short pause. "How are you with timepieces?" asked Daka. 

*******

Batgirl glanced at her watch as Batman continued. "...and Robin, Batgirl and I triumph night after night - not with our fists - but through the unblemished purity of our souls. My instincts tell me that there is goodness in you, and it beseeches your favor. It strains to burst free from the hardened shell of cruelty enveloping the lovely heart beating within that chest." 

A long silence followed, and it began to dawn on the others that the speech might actually be finished. 

"Now, Batman?" Robin asked as he approached the Siren, his batcuffs poised for use. 

"That won't be necessary, Robin," Batman replied. "You're free to leave, Siren." 

The Siren took several hesitant steps away from the Terrific Trio. Seeing that Gotham's sworn protectors were making no attempt to stop her, she hurried around a corner and made for the front gates. 

"Gosh, we're just going to let her go?" asked Robin.

"I'm sure she's learned her lesson," Batman said as he watched her vanish from sight.

"Welll...just in case she hasn't, I'd better keep an eye on her," said Batgirl. "And since I planted a bug on the hem of her skirt while she wasn't looking, it should be a cinch." 

"I'll have Commissioner Gordon put out an immediate all points bulletin on the Riddler. Locating our concussed clue-dropper is of utmost urgency." 

"But then the media – and the whole world – will know about the submarines!" Robin pointed out. 

"Yes, but that can't be helped at this point. At least we kept it secret long enough to prevent the hospital from being inundated with cheap hoodlums." 


	13. Another Spinning Bat Emblem

__

Note: The inspiration for the Riddler's assumed identity in this episode is a result of:

A) the fact that Frank Gorshin was usually given a second personality for the Riddler to assume during his Bat guest appearances; and 

B) Gorshin's appearing on Broadway in the 1969 musical "Jimmy" (in the title role of New York's scandal-plagued Mayor Jimmy Walker)

Also, this is a good opportunity to mention that the solution to the mystery of where the Riddler has hidden the submarines is contained in his riddles back in chapters 6 and 8 – it's a location that existed only on the 1960's Bat show. Anyone think they can deduce the answer?

"Still Wearing The Battered Top Hat, The Unbalanced Riddler Has Become Convinced That He Is The Mayor Of Gotham City. He Has Retained Enough Presence Of Mind To Find His Way Home To His Evil-Smelling Hideout. We Find Him There Now, Demanding To Be Served Crumpets And A Martini." 

An irritated Whiskers entered the room carrying crumpets and a martini on a dinner tray. He set it before the Riddler. "Here you are, sir." 

"Why, thank you, Betty," the Riddler replied. "But you forgot to curtsy." 

Whitey exchanged glances with other the River Rats. "Uhh...Riddler, we wuz wonderin' where..." 

"What did you call me? You will address me as 'Mr. Mayor' at all times!" 

"Yes, Mayor Linseed. I'm sorry, sir." 

"Linseed? What decade are you living in? I'm Mayor Talker...the man of the people...the politico of prohibition! I walk the walk and I talk the talk!" 

"Mr. Mayor, we got a call from...uhh, the governor...about these missing submarines. Have you heard anything about that?" asked Whiskers. 

"Submarines are a federal issue, not city. I don't see how I can help the man." 

"Well, there's this bad man in town named Batman who's trying to steal these submarines, which is why it's so important that we find them." 

"Oh, yes; that deluded fellow who's just determined to frighten everyone around him. I believe this Batman would scare the twelve apostles if he could. Perhaps it's time for me take an extended vacation in Europe until the things cool off here." 

"But, Riddler..." Whiskers protested. 

Refusing to respond to the name, the Riddler ignored Whiskers and sipped from his drink. 

"There's nothing like a fine martini after working up a thirst addressing my throngs of admirers! I'd better pace myself, though – there'll be lavish festivities into the wee hours tonight in celebration of my re-election." 

Fangs whispered to Whiskers. "Maybe if we bring out that spare green suit, it'll jog his memory." 

Whiskers shrugged. "Worth a try. Let's try out some crossword puzzles, too." 

"Hey there, Mr. Mayor," Fangs said, picking up a crossword puzzle magazine. "You wouldn't happen to know a six-letter word for an affliction of the hypothalmus?" 

The Riddler perked up. Hearing a voice from the radio announce, "...and now, here's your favorite radio broadcaster, Barry Brown," Whitey turned up the volume slightly. 

"Hello, citizens of Gotham," said Brown from a location that suspiciously resembled the den of his home. "Do you remember how I promised I'd get to the bottom of this Naval base lockdown? Well, I can now confirm, for those that are 'vitally interested', that it was caused by the theft of four nuclear submarines, each one loaded with a full complement of missiles. They were taken by none other than the Riddler, who easily outsmarted Batman in their latest battle of wits. 

"The Riddler was temporarily incapacitated and detained, but soon fooled Batman _again_ and is now back on the loose! Our 'Terrific Trio' didn't even bother to learn the location of the submarines from the Riddler before allowing him to escape! As if Gotham's law enforcement – and what passes for it - didn't err terribly in allowing the heist in the first place, they have now placed you, loyal listener - and every member of your family - in terrible danger! The Riddler is now free to exact vengeance on Gotham in any manner he chooses!" 

It was a humbled super trio that gathered at Commissioner Gordon's office the following morning. The Commissioner gestured in exasperation at a pile of newspapers on his desk. The one at the top of the pile contained the blaring headline "Riddler Escapes With Nuke Subs". Only portions of the other headlines were visible beneath it, but the words "Panic", "Failure" and "Evacuation" were evident in equally large print. 

"I've been fending off reporters all day," said Gordon. "And the Coast Guard still hasn't found any sign of the missing submarines." 

"Unfortunately, neither have we," said Batman. 

"We've got to find them – and quick, before the Riddler recovers his senses!" Robin said, smacking his fist in his palm. 

"Wherever the Riddler left them, he hid them well," chimed in Batgirl. "Are we sure that he didn't return to Gotham by just sailing the subs back into port?" 

"Sure! Like the Penguin's submarine did when they kidnapped the World Security Council," exclaimed Robin. 

Gordon shook his head. "Ah, I'm afraid it won't be that simple. I've had every member of the force out combing the Gotham City coastline." 

"Quite frankly, I'm stumped," admitted Batman. "Let's review what we've learned of the Riddler in the last 24 hours." 

A long moment of silence followed. 

"We know that he likes Cocoa Puffs," Batgirl offered. Another long pause. 

"We know that his River Rat Gang has dropped out of sight," added Robin. "Probably skipped town." 

"It also looks like we've run into a dead end with the Siren," said Batgirl. "She's just been skulking around the hospital grounds. She doesn't seem to have any more idea of where to find the Riddler than we do. I'll keep tabs on her for another day or two just to make sure." 

"Hopefully, the Riddler is still as incoherent as when we left him babbling in the hospital," said Robin. 

Batgirl tapped her chin. "There's a little bee buzzing in my bonnet and I don't like what it's telling me." 

"I do hope that this incident won't cast any embarrassment upon the name of our fair metropolis," said the Commissioner 

"Well, this city's populace is nothing if not resilient," Batman assured him. "And I'm sure the rest of the nation will have faith in us." 

Chief O'Hara came bustling into the room. "Sor! The Society of Atomic Scientists just called! They say that due to the theft of the submarine missiles, they've decoided to change the hands of the Doomsday Clock! That's the clock that's set so's to illustrate how close the world is to nuclear catasturphe..." 

Gordon nodded. "Yes, yes. Go on." 

"And they're going to hold the ceremonial changing of the time tomorrow right here in Gotham City, with the television networks broadcastin' it loive all over the country!" 

Gordon shook his head. "With multiple nuclear warheads in the possession of a clinically diagnosed schizophrenic, I fear the society will see no alternative but to set the hands to 11:59; a single minute away from the midnight hour denoting global Armageddon." 

"I'll call to have the Gotham Civic Auditorium reserved for the ceremony." 

"No, the civic auditorium is still undergoing renovations," said Gordon. "So, as with most public ceremonies, it will have to be held in the living room of stately Wayne Manor."


	14. A Shapely Silhouette Sneaks Through A Do...

****

"In Other Fiendish Developments, We Find That The Siren Has Secretly Returned To The Hospital. She Creeps Into The Riddler's Vacated Room, Her Plans Uncoiling Like A Deadly Snake!" 

"Let's see," she whispered to herself. "What was the first riddle he babbled at me? 'Who's got the tune we'd both like to croon, and obtained their bonanza through religious extravaganza?'"

" Ohhh…think, girl, think! The tune _we'd_ both like to croon? Do the Riddler and I have musical interests in common? No, wait…the tune we'd both like to croon is a fortune! 

"And religious extraveganza….an extravaganza… a religious extravaganza is a mass production! So we can shorten that question to 'who obtained a fortune through mass production?'" 

"Now, what was that second riddle?" she said, searching her short-term memory. "Something about a place that keeps the same name even though the name of its namesake might change? Well, the most important information in that phrase is that the location is named after someone. But why would that someone change their name? Marriage? Because the namesake is a woman?" 

Hearing a noise behind her, the Siren looked up. Doctor Wow halted for a second, a sharp, gleaming scalpel clutched in his hand. The Siren calmly opened her mouth as he hesitantly moved towards her. 

That afternoon found Stately Wayne Manor all decked out for the upcoming ceremony. The spacious living room was now filled with Gotham's elite, leaders from society, business and politics. Large television cameras were stationed in front of a small dais to record the proceedings. Barry Brown was also in attendance, broadcasting live reports to his radio listeners. 

"Batman and Robin appear nowhere in evidence at the event that their 'heroic efforts' helped bring about. We've long assumed that the police department's convenient reliance on these vigilantes somehow assured the city's protection. But today, the stark face of the doomsday clock stands here in Gotham, unblinking testimony to the folly of placing our faith in these masked 'protectors'." 

An anxious Commissioner Gordon hung back against a wall, along with Chief O'Hara, Bruce Wayne, and Dick Grayson. 

O'Hara lowered his head. "Beggin' your pardon, sor, but I'm a bit embarrassed to have to go stand up there for this media soidshow." 

"Most embarrassing indeed, Chief. This will be a grave black mark on the record of our fine department." 

"Commissioner, I want you to know that everyone here at Wayne Manor is as troubled by this as you," Bruce assured Gordon. 

"Could I have your attention, everybody?" Aunt Harriet said from the lecturn. "I'd just like to say how _delighted_ we all are to have the Society of Atomic Scientists here at stately Wayne Manor! It is a great privilege to play host to such a splendid organization! Since 1872, these fine gentlemen have been using this lovely clock to make us all aware of the terrible dangers of the arms race." 

"Since 1872?" asked Dick. 

"Gotham has always been ahead of rest of the nation in its activist concerns, Dick," Bruce whispered back. 

Aunt Harriet continued with her presentation. "With every change to our world's military stability, they are there to mark the occasion by moving the hands of the trusty clock farther or nearer to that terrible, final hour of midnight! And so it is now my pleasure to present you with our first speaker. He is a man of distinction, as well as a well-meaning scientist..." 

Without warning, the chandelier exploded! The assembled guests screamed and covered their heads to shield themselves from falling glass. The blast sent a number of tiny question mark-shaped canisters flying from the chandelier. Little parachutes unraveled from each, and the objects slowly descended. 

"My word!" gasped Alfred. 

Bruce turned to Dick. "There's evil afoot! Quickly, to the study!" Maneuvering around the pointing guests, the two raced for the study. 

"Men! Stop those question marks!" called out Chief O'Hara. Several uniformed policemen made their way around the spacious room, leaping to grab hold of the sailing question marks. 

Meanwhile, several miles out to sea, the Riddler sat facing his River Rat Gang in a rowboat. Although the Riddler was now dressed in his trademark green suit, the leery thugs kept glancing at their boss as they rowed. 

"So...you're not the mayor of Gotham City?" Whiskers asked for the third time. 

The Riddler looked at him strangely. "Not that I'm aware of. What's the matter with Whiskers?" he asked Whitey. "Did he get into a load of bad cheese?" 

The Riddler frowned as he considered the implications. "If my own men have doubts about my sanity, will the rest of the world take my ransom demands seriously?" The River Rats averted their eyes and said nothing. 

"What to do, what to do? I know - how about I just fire off a missile, completely at random – just to show that I'm back in the driver's seat. That should get their attention." 

Sitting between the River Rats was a newcomer to the group. The Riddler stood up to make an announcement. 

"Men, I know how disappointed you are that the Siren and I have had to part ways – due to her unbecoming behavior. But look on the bright side: my plans have changed to include a larger role for you three. And I'd like you all to give a big River Rat welcome to our newest helper...it's none other than our old pal, Mr. Bluebeard!" The River Rats applauded politely for the bearded, eye-patched thug in their midst. 

"Mr. Bluebeard, you served me well aboard the Penguin's submarine, and I welcome your expertise to this expedition." 

"Yo ho, sir!" Bluebeard replied modestly. 

"Batman and Robin just don't stand a chance," the Riddler said, trying to keep from having a giggling fit. "They should be getting the riddles right about now." 

"Riddles?" echoed Fang. 

"Just a few new ones I left. They'll never solve these. There's too many and we're only a few minutes away from our objective." 

Whitey tried to maintain a dignified demeanor for the occasion, but his joy at being so close to the prize couldn't be contained. His stoic exterior crumbled and he succumbed to his rodent nature - a depraved expression of open-mouthed, bucktoothed glee. 


	15. The Dynamic Duo Shoot Up The Batpoles

Back at Wayne Manor, the police had managed to gather up all of the parachuting canisters. Inside each canister, they found separate riddles typed out on 3X5 cards. The puzzled officers were joined by Batman and Robin, who came racing through the front doors. 

"The Dynamic Duo! Thank heavens!" exclaimed Gordon. He signaled Aunt Harriet to proceed with the clock ceremony. As she once again began introducing the first speaker to the crowd, the television cameras swung back toward the speaker's dais. 

Satisfying himself that the canisters themselves were of no significance, Batman turned his attention to the cards Gordon clutched in his hand. "What does the first riddle say, Commissioner?" 

Gordon read from the top card. "'What is invisible, but never out of sight?'"

The four stood huddled together, their heads lowered in concentration. 

"Wait a minute!" said Robin. "What is in 'visible', but never out of 'sight'?" 

"The letter 'I'?" asked O'Hara. 

"Good! Next riddle!" said Batman. 

"'How many peas are in a pint?'" 

"I know!" said Robin. "There's one 'P' in 'Pint'!" 

"Excellent! The third..." 

"'What do you have to add to 9 to make it 6?'"

Another long pause. This time the lowered heads were accompanied by tightly-shut eyes and thumbs of fists thumping against foreheads. 

Batman snapped his fingers. "Of course - 'S'! The Roman numeral for nine is 'IX'. Add an 'S' in front and you have 'SIX'!" 

"I sense a trend in these answers," said the Commissioner. "'Which letter is caused by shushing a number'?"

"H!" said Robin. "Eight-shh." 

"'Which letters are the most provocative?'" 

"The 'T's!" said Batman. 

O'Hara looked confused. "'The tease'?" 

"Precisely." 

Gordon flipped over another card. "Next is 'what three letters make a man of a boy?'" 

"M-A-N!" blurted O'Hara. 

Batman held up a knowing finger. "Your spelling is impeccable, as always, Chief, but I believe the correct answer is A-G-E - 'age'." 

Gordon continued. "And the final riddle..." 

He was interrupted by the sounds of screaming coming from the dais. 

"Greetings, Yankee dogs." 

Batman turned to see Doctor Daka, who had just taken the place of Aunt Harriet at the podium. 

"Oh, no!" exclaimed Robin. "Not now, of all times!" 

Daka smiled patronizingly at the frightened audience. "Please excuse me for a moment while I have a word with my associates." He produced his zombie microphone and muttered into it. "Members of the American press: your moment of destiny has arrived. The League of the New Order calls you to service." 

As the Caped Crusaders watched in stunned silence, hats across the room bearing the familiar "Press" banner in the hatband were simultaneously removed…to reveal numerous male heads adorned with metallic zombie headpieces. Within seconds, a half dozen reporters and similarly crowned cameramen were standing in rigid attention before their inscrutable overlord. 

Daka licked his lips in anticipation, then delivered a fateful order into his microphone. "Now, my loyal zombies...destroy the assembled members of America's law enforcement apparatus!" 

Dropping their notebooks and cameras, the zombified journalists converged slowly on the Dynamic Duo. The cornered defenders of decency could only put up their fists and await their plodding attackers. 

"Batman! Look out!" cried Robin. 

Batman ducked under a punch and answered it with a roundhouse right of his own.   
WHACK! 

Robin dodged a chair, which split into kindling as it collided against the wall. Robin leaped forward, delivering a kick to his attacker's nose.   
ZOCK! 

Seeing the zombie stagger, the Teen Wonder waded in with a combination of lefts and rights, ending with an uppercut that sent the man sailing over the back of a couch.   
ZOWIE! 

Chief O'Hara turned to see one of his lieutenants being gripped in a vicious bear hug by a reporter. O'Hara pulled his pistol, only to be conked on the head from behind by yet another zombie. As O'Hara shook his head, attempting to clear the cobwebs, his attacker picked up his fallen firearm. 

The battle royale continued to rage, spilling over into the foyer of Wayne Manor. Batman rushed to the aid of an officer under attack by a large cameraman. A sock on the jaw got the zombie's attention, but not before he succeeded in ripping the holster from the policeman's belt. Shoving aside the cop, the zombie advanced on Batman. 

Thinking quickly, the caped crusader seized one of the suits of armour beside the front door, and toppled it onto the lumbering giant.   
KLASH! 

As Batman turned to battle another zombie, the hulking brute slowly shrugged off the armour and lumbered to his feet. 

Robin jumped over one charging attacker to find himself heading straight for Barry Brown. 

Brown spoke quickly. "Wait, I'm not a zom-"  
SMACK! 

Although he found the punch immensely satisfying, Robin's jubilance was short-lived. He could see that at least three of the zombies were now in the possession of police firearms. Zig-zagging to avoid their sluggish aim, he backed into Batman. 

"Batman! Our only hope now is to use the Bomb-a-rang!" 

"No, Robin. Too many innocents would be harmed in these close quarters." 

One of the women in the audience suddenly threw off her wig and shawl, revealing herself as Nurse Blondy Jo. She leaped onto the dais, brandishing a powerful device from the Dynamic Duo's past: Daka's radium gun. 

"Hi, y'all! Everbody jest be real still now." 

"If you wish to test my radium gun, you will find it is capable of shooting through walls," Daka warned the gaping audience. "I trust this brings our contest to an end?" 

"For the time being, Daka," replied the Dark Knight. "Just don't hurt anyone." 

"An attitude of fatalistic resignation may be appropriate in this instance. You officers will surrender your weapons." Daka then spoke into his microphone. "Zombies, collect the other police pistols." 

O'Hara nodded to his men to do as they were told. Satisfied that order had been restored, Daka gestured at the doomsday clock behind him. 

"I salute this ceremonial attempt to confess your city's culpability in the grave crisis facing our planet. And I am most willing to assist your efforts." He placed his prosthetic hand on the hour hand of the clock. 

"Great Scott!" said Batman. 

He watched as Daka changed the time from 11:53 to 11:59. 

Daka faced the audience again. "I will give your corrupt government twelve hours to bring me five million dollars in currency. If my demand is not met, I will be forced to move the hands of your sacred clock to 12:00." 

Horrified gasps swept across the room. 

"Yes, ladies and gentlemen – 12:00 – nuclear midnight!" 

Aunt Harriet turned pale and fainted. 

"You wouldn't dare!" said Gordon, his face reddening with anger. 

"Oh, wouldn't I?" Daka hissed, placing his prosthetic on the minute hand of the clock. Cries of "no, no" and "we believe you" hastily filled the air. 

Batman stepped forward. "Daka, are you mad? Think of the little children watching this on television! Don't they deserve the chance to grow into adults?" 

"So sad," replied Daka. "However, I am afraid the League of the New Order's progress will not be slowed by appeals of emotion." 

"You must realize that we'll never let you get away with this." 

Daka sighed. "I must admit, I expected as much. I suppose it is time to have you drilled full of bullets." 

"And that will solve your problem? Do you really think the rest of these people will just sit here and watch you carry out your foul deed?" 

"Let us find out. Who here wishes to die with the Caped Crusaders?" 

Everyone in the room immediately edged three steps away from the Dynamic Duo. 

"Well, this should make it very easy for my zombies to choose their targets," Daka said, raising his microphone. "Zombies, aim your weapons at Batman and Robin." Six different pistols were promptly trained on the Caped Crusaders. 

"Holy Unpleasant and Quite Possibly Fatal Development!" gulped Robin. 


	16. Numerous Gun Barrels Aiming Into Camera

Daka presented a toothy grin as he gazed down triumphantly at his hated foes. He noted that the duo were on the verge of panic, their repertoire of tricks now reduced to looking around wildly at the handguns trained on them. 

Spying a torn envelope at the end of a tiny parachute that floated by, Daka realized that the Riddler had also been at Wayne Manor recently. He briefly considered ordering a search for the green-garbed villain, but decided against it. 

"The Riddler is too witless to still be of use. The knowledge he once possessed is now a maze of unrecoverable memories."

Memories – memories – memories. The word echoed around the walls of Daka's mind. 

He unexpectedly found himself witnessing a scene from decades in his past. A younger version of himself was arguing with another man in what appeared to be the office of his old medical practice. Daka could vaguely recall the scene from the recesses of his memory. The other man, his former business partner, was attempting to convince Young Daka to remain in his homeland. 

Young Daka refused to listen. "Fame and fortune await me in the war," he said brashly. "I am going to kick some Yankee fujiguh!" 

Daka looked around to see if anyone else in the room could see this, but turned only to find yet another vision from his past. This version of himself, just slightly older than the last, was getting adjusted to a new home in America. His younger self was standing on a street corner studying an American newspaper. The paper's front page contained an artist's conception of a human bat creature and a boy dressed in red. 

"I do not understand," Young Daka mumbled. "Why would such a man require a small child along during battle?" 

This vision suddenly morphed into a flashback of the youthful Daka approximately a year later. He was looking over the brand new headquarters that his homeland had provided him with. Young Daka was operating a small lever that repeatedly opened and closed some doors built into the floor. 

"An alligator pit under a trap door! This is my best plan yet," he congratulated himself. 

It suddenly occurred to Daka that what he was seeing was his life flashing before his eyes.

Blondy Jo looked at her partner with concern. "Whut's wrong, shugah plum? Ain't you gonna give the order tu shoot?" 

Daka opened his mouth in surprise. "Ack." 

He toppled forward off the dais and onto the floor with a SPLAT!. The gun-wielding zombies stayed frozen where they were as they awaited further orders from the master. 

Batman strode forward quickly to check the fallen doctor. He found no pulse in the cold, wrinkled wrist. The Dr. Daka reunion special had come to a chilling end. 

He rose solemnly. "Destiny's mighty hand has snuffed out the life of Dr. Daka." 

"A-Any indication as to the cause of death?" asked Commissioner Gordon. 

"Old age." 

A somber silence hung over the room. 

"Gosh!" exclaimed Robin. "That sure was swell timing!" 

"Yes, Robin, however not completely unexpected. On this day, Dr. Daka reached the precise average median life expectancy for super villains – 76 years and 3 days. A very poor day to be enacting any plots of world conquest, I'm afraid." 

Blondy Jo's momentary shock came to an end as she experienced her own unpleasant vision (of herself behind bars). Keeping a tight grip on the radium gun, she headed towards Daka's zombie microphone. 

Realizing her intent, Robin drew his batarang and hurled it towards her. His aim was true and the spinning cyclone of justice knocked the radium gun from her grasp. 

She hesitated, debating whether to dive for the gun or the microphone. Before she could choose, Chief O'Hara tackled her from behind. 

"_Get offa me, you_ _goldurn,_ _rassafrassin'_..." Blondy Jo protested angrily underneath him. 

As other officers rushed in to handcuff the deceitful nurse, O'Hara moved to rejoin Gordon and the dynamic duo. 

"Quickly Commissioner, what was the final riddle?" Batman asked urgently. 

Gordon peered at the last card. "'Which letter is the most special?'" 

"K! Special K!" said Robin. 

"Of course!" said Batman. "Protein in a delicious ready-to-eat cereal form." 

"The best to you each morning, from the good folks at Battle Creek!" Robin added. 

Gordon lowered the card. "I fear the Riddler's corporate sponsorships are affecting the quality of his riddles." 

Batman declined to pursue the matter. "So to summarize, we have the letters 'I – P – S – H - several T's – A – G – E – K'. If we had answered these in their correct order, what word would they spell?" 

"'Gap...shittek'?" 

"Smag...hektit.'" 

"Kgtip..." O'Hara began before stalling. 

Jaws hanging open, the four stared at each other, each hoping the next knew the answer. 

"We're very close to having the word 'spaghetti'," observed Batman. 

"But there's no 'K' in 'spaghetti'!" said Robin. 

"In the Riddler's diseased mind, proper spelling always comes a distant second to the thrill of the conundrum." 

"But why would he give us the answer 'K' if it was completely irrelevant?" asked Gordon. 

"That one was too easy, remember?" Robin replied. "Could 'K' possibly mean the word 'cay'?" 

"Cay – an island!" explained Batman. "Which means the submarines are hidden off of..." 

"Spaghetti Island!" the Riddler proclaimed, making a sweeping gesture at the land mass behind him. "Named after the noodle billionaire and frequent widow, J. Pauline Spaghetti!" 

The villains' rowboat pulled up to an automobile tire floating on the water. The Riddler continued as he pointed down at the water. 

"This is not just the tire it appears to be. Nor is that one, or that one," he said pointing to more tires spread out over the next several hundred yards. 

"They are actually the entrances to chutes, each of which lead straight down into a nuclear submarine. This closest tire is directly over the _rear_ submarine. So I will require someone to man the broadband monitor on this sub, and radio the sonar readings up to me while I steer the sonar-less submarine at the _front_. Just give me several more minutes to get the front sub up and running. Understood?" 

Mr. Bluebeard nodded as he zipped his blue wetsuit up to his neck. 

"Then dive, Mr. Bluebeard!" 

"Dive, yo, ho, sir!" Bluebeard responded, flopping backwards off the boat into the water. 

As Bluebeard swam in a hearty manner for the submarine beneath, the other three henchmen rowed with gusto for the far tire bobbing on the water. The group heard a noise as something thudded against their boat. Whiskers looked overboard and saw that it was a corpse floating in the water. 

"Aah! Who's that?" 

"You didn't tell us you killed a guy out here," said Fangs. 

"I didn't," said the Riddler, giving the bobbing corpse a shove. "Don't worry, this must be husband #5. He lasted a good year and a half with J. Pauline." 

Moments later, the rowboat pulled up to the tire that was positioned directly over the lead submarine. The Riddler pulled them in close to it, then carefully crawled into the tire feet-first. 

"Sit tight and keep your eyes peeled for trouble, men," he ordered. He appeared to sink into the water as he slid down into the concealed chute. 

40 feet below the rowboat, the Riddler slid down into a submarine through the same hatch he had left open a week earlier. He swiftly began clicking on lights to illuminate the control room. 

He peeked back up the hatch and grinned. "I knew those dolts wouldn't consider the possibility of my sailing out from under them and just leaving them - until it was too late." 

"Well, surely you wouldn't want to leave me behind, Riddler," said a female voice from the corner. 

"Batgirl! Impossible! How did you get out here before me?!" 

The purple-clad paragon strode into the light and put her hands on her hips as she calmly explained. 

"Even delirious in the hospital, you couldn't resist giving clues. We found you murmuring what sounded like 'isolation, such isolation'. Sometime later, it occurred to me that 'isolationsschlauch' is German for 'spaghetti'...and 'island' can refer to a place of isolation." 

She picked up a rectangular object leaning against the wall. "Once I made it to the island itself, I used the camera attachment on my trusty Bat-Kite here. It was able to quickly spot your rather conspicuous tire formation from the air." 

"The Bat-Kite? By all that's puzzling, I vow that I shall never be thwarted by that infernal device again!" 

Smiling wickedly, he sidled up to her. "Since you solved my riddles so quickly, Batgirl, how would you like one more: How are you like the letter 'e'?" 

He was now within five feet of her. "Because you're both at the very end of life!" 

He whipped out a cheese-stained knife and flailed savagely at Batgirl. She skillfully wielded the Bat-Kite like a shield to ward off his jabs. She maintained her grip on the kite until he had slashed numerous gaping holes in the material. Tossing it in front of his face, she doubled the Riddler over with a kick to the stomach, then promptly straightened him up with a kick that slammed him against the wall.  
PUNT! 

The Riddler staggered unsteadily and dropped the knife. As Batgirl moved by him to retrieve it, he grabbed onto the periscope column overhead and gave a good pull. The periscope descended from the ceiling onto the back of Batgirl's cowl.   
KLONG! 

Although the blow sent her sprawling, Batgirl managed to kick the knife away from the Riddler. Her legs whipped back to sweep his feet out from under him. She "softened" his landing by greeting his nose with the heel of her hand. Yowling in pain, the Riddler grabbed onto a console and kept from collapsing face first on the deck. 

"Oh, this is embarrassing!" he grunted, hauling himself to his feet. 

As Batgirl also rose, the Riddler took several bounding steps that carried him to the hatchway. He cackled crazily for a moment, then scrambled up the ladder. 

"Well no matter - I've still got a boatful of tough, armed henchchmen up above," his voice echoed back down the hatch. 

"Oh, really?" said Batgirl. She stepped over to the control panel and flipped two switches, causing the ballast tanks to blow. Immediately, tons of water emptied from the tanks and the submarine began to surface. 

"Going up!" 

Meanwhile, up in the rowboat, the River Rats were starting to get bored. They noticed the water begin to bubble frantically all around them. Over the bubbling sound, Fangs thought he could hard a voice. 

"Hey, isn't that the Riddler?" They listened carefully. 

Faint, but growing louder, a desperate voice echoed up: "Grab the guns! Batgirl is down here!" 

The rowboat began to rock about. 

A second later, the Riddler surfaced in a quite unexpected spot, his masked head splintering their floor as he was driven up through the bottom of the boat.  
SPR-RACKK! 

Down in the submarine, Batgirl heard frantic voices shouting, accompanied by sounds of wood cracking and snapping against the metal hull. She smiled as she got the hatch shut and locked. 

Back on dry land the following day, Batgirl had reunited with the Dynamic Duo at Commissioner Gordon's office to explain her findings. 

"...and with the hatch to the rear submarine Bat-expoxied shut, Bluebeard could only swim around in circles. The Coast Guard arrived to find all five of them floating unhappily in the cold water." 

"Splendid job, Batgirl!" said the Commissioner. "The entire country owes you a hearty 'thank you'!" 

"And to you four also," replied Batgirl. "You were able to account for Doctor Daka and his nurse."

"And you can add one more villain to that category," said Batman, motioning towards the door of the office. Doctor Wow and the Siren were walking arm in arm towards the group. 

"Yes, Batgirl, he's right," said the Siren. "After listening to Batman's lecture and giving his words careful thought, I've realized that what I really desire is to find a man and settle down." 

"We're going to be married Tuesday after next!" Doctor Wow beamed. "We found that we have a great deal in common. We enjoy the same movies, we frequent the same vacation spots..." 

"Plus, we both _really_ like money," added the Siren. 

"She came to me yesterday to tell me she was giving up her life of crime and asked me to operate to remove her vocal implant," said Doctor Wow. "I proposed to her on the spot!" 

"Yes," said the Siren. "For so long, I'd thought that thrills and excitement where what I craved. But when I looked deep inside myself, I found that I'd happily throw it all away for the chance to raise babies!" 

"Ah, it does me heart good t'hear you say thot, Soiren," said O'Hara. 

Looking slightly uncomfortable, the Siren approached Batman. "You were right all along, Batman," she said. "All this time, I've pushed such thoughts from my mind, but your words lifted the veil of chaos from my eyes." 

Batgirl's jaw dropped in disbelief at what she was hearing. 

"I'm just happy that you were able to set things right and find happiness before it was too late," Batman said warmly. "I wish I'd been able to get through to Doctor Daka before his time ran out." 

"Speaking of Dr. Daka," Batgirl asked. "What would have happened if the he _had_ been able to turn the clock's hands to 12:00?" 

"Oh, I daren't even contemplate the horrors of that eventuality," said Gordon, closing his eyes. "Let's just all give thanks for being spared such an outcome." The group reverently bowed their heads in silence for a moment. 

"Well, we've got some rings to go pick out," said Doctor Wow. "We sure hope to see you all at the wedding." The Terrific Trio watched the happy lovebirds depart. 

"Holy Transmogrification!" said Robin. "Events are still changing too fast for me to keep up with!" 

Gordon slapped Batman on the back. "Excellent work, Batman! Another arch criminal steered down the path of wholesomeness!" 

"You know, the first villain's deathtrap I ever faced – it seems like many years ago – was during the first team-up between the Riddler and the Siren," Batgirl reflected. "...and foiling this latest scheme makes me feel like I've come a long way." 

"Say! The first deathtrap I remember facing was one of the Riddler's, too!" chimed in Robin. 

"A persistent customer indeed - we'll probably be enduring his deathtraps into retirement," said Batman. 

"By the way, what kind of condition did that last blow to the head leave the Riddler in?" Batgirl asked. 

****

"And So, Our Story Has Come Full Circle; From An Intrepid Woman's Initial Encounter With The World's Most Formidable Felon, To The Conclusion Of Her Latest Hair-Raising Adventure!" 

"Mr. Nygma, who are you talking to?" 

"One Deathtrap Begets Another In The Endless Cycle Of Danger!" 

"Can you hear me? It's Doctor Wow." 

"Today's Deathtrap is Tomorrow's Memory. But What Thrilling Adventure Does Tomorrow Hold For Our Heroes?" 

"Mr. Nygma, I'm very impressed by all these different voices you can do, but you really need to stop now. You're keeping the other inmates awake." 

"Treachery At Every Turn? A Thrill A Minute? Could Tomorrow Be The Day That The Curtain Finally Falls On..." 

"Say goodnight, Mr. Nygma!" 

"Good Night..." 

"That's better." 

"...Gracie." 


End file.
